Men always argue that women don’t want “nice guys”. The problem is they often conflate being a “nice guy” with a disillusioned idea that persistence is the same as being pushy to the point it’s intrusive and flat out annoying.
The problem with the self-proclaimed nice guy is that their level of niceness is solely based on the amount of attractiveness they feel towards the person they are being nice to. The more they nice they feel they are being, the more they feel as though they are entitled to receiving a return on whatever amount of niceness they've provided. They aren't generally nice individuals. Their niceness has limits and usually though limits start and end somewhere around their nether regions.
From the geekiest to the studious, "nice guys" are everywhere and they usually all have the same game plan and play by the same rules. They all have the same feelings of entitlement and will forcefully attempt to slither their way into your good graces, by hook or crook as the old folks use to say.
Engage. Invade. Pursue. Conquer. Repeat.
About 4 years ago I was co-hosting an event at one of the local clubs here. I won’t lie, I was drunk. And I don't apologize for it. Anyway, I ended up dancing with quite a few males there and apparently he was one of them. I don’t like to gloat but I’m one hell of dancer (This waist line whines and grinds like churned butta) but at that time most new it was purely entertainment because they knew I was “on duty”. Apparently, this guy took it personal.
I don't remember much about him honestly. I do remember him vaguely and only because as I was being escorted to my ride after the event by security a man (who I believe was him) pulled up on me and attempted to “take me to breakfast and get my number” but one of the male promoters that night intervened and told him I was good and to leave me alone. Still I’m half intoxicated so im like whatever, get in my ride and go home.
Fast forward about a week.
About a week later, I get a New add on IG with a DM to math. It was a gentleman inquiring about working with me on some projects he had coming up and asking about collaborating with my media company. So I said cool and slid him my number. He called me. We chopped it up for a minute, agreed to link up for a meeting and that was that.
A few days later I start getting a bunch of likes and comments under my pictures. I look and its this guy. What the f*ck, yo? I’m scrolling and every comment made some reference to how “fine” I was. Okay, I guess. Whatever. Im use to it by now and at the time my IG was full of promotional modeling work I was doing so it was what it was.
I didn’t end up seeing this man again until another event (because life happens and honestly I wasnt too excited about working with him. I hate working with males inside the entertainment industry because its always a constant battle navigating between their sexism and misogyny but you do what you gotta do). I saw him and he introduced himself to me, this time I was sober. He wasnt my type and I wasn’t attracted to him at all. He didnt mention meeting me at the club. He just introduced himself as the man who DM’d me. Okay, cool.
We talked a bit at the event until I found an excuse to go “do something” and then again briefly after the event. The conversation was extremely casual.
A few days after the event he found me on Facebook (I honestly couldnt tell you because 4 years ago my Facebook was extremely private and you had to actually look for me to find me and know what you were looking for). I figured he must have saw me in a mutual friends list or something and shrugged it off. I added him because...why not, right? We’re networking.
That’s when things got weird. He sent me a text one night saying that he needed to speak with me asap. So, I called him like whats up. He starts the convo off with some BS project proposal and in the middle of the “proposal” he says:
“I just know you are going to be the best person for this. You are so dope. Thats why I had to track you down that night after we danced. We gonna be a powerhouse couple one day!”
I paused. Qué? What is this nonsense you are talking, sir? I don’t speak this language. But since he was seemed to be a “nice guy” I didn’t nt want to be rude or hurt his feelings, so I awkwardly chuckled, said “awwww” and redirected the conversation back to the topic at hand. It was my hope that me hop, skip and jumping over that comment would be enough for him to “get the point”.
He persisted. He continued to push. I would receive random text messages and private messages with declarations of affection and admiration. None of which I returned. If I didn’t respond, he would call. If I didn’t answer he’d go to my IG and comment for me to “call him” there. He would constantly send me invites to accompany him to events with him under the blanket of “networking” but I knew it was nothing more than a ploy to go out with me. So, I always declined. Bleh. Annoying. But again. He was nice and 4 years ago I was still a baby in the “put my foot down” department. I didnt want to rock the boat so I just made sure to avoid him whenever possible. I’d avoid him at local events. I’d opt out of working places or with people who was working with him.
This continued for three years. Until I changed the number I had been using on my business line and switched phones. That was last year.
Fast forward this week:
Here I was minding my business at 2am in the morning and I get a message in Snapchat. First, it should be known that I barely use Snapchat. I think its been a good 6 or 7 months since I’ve Snapped. I don’t even know who follows me and who doesn’t. I get the notification, I see his name and I groan. Why sir, why? I opened the message and begin to read.
He begins his message by asking me for my number and practically demanding that we spend time getting to really know each other. As if it were a given that I would interested. Despite my many previous attempts to discourage any further pursuit here he was, once again, in my personal space making demands of my time.
I contemplated ignoring this message as well. There had been others before this one that were ignored and discarded. I told myself that a response was needed. Why respond? Why give him the satisfaction of knowing that if he was annoying enough I would give him just a moment of time, even if it were to decline his advances once again. I stalled. After a few seconds of silence I decided that enough was enough. Maybe if I informed him that I was currently unavailable and dating someone he would back off and take that as a lost cause.
That didn't happen.
I sent the message. I told him that while I was currently dating and didn't think that it would be wise to give him my new number I was a little concerned about his continued pursuit of me after so long. He responded.
He sent a picture. Yes, a picture. He sent me a picture of himself in work clothing, at work. The message that followed after the unsolicited photo included him telling me that because I was simply dating and not "officially" off the market, there would be no wrong in providing him my number. He was right. Dating doesn't equal exclusivity and until there is a conversation of commitment I am free talk to whomever I choose to, if I choose to. The problem is:
I didn't want to talk to him. I wasn't interested. I hadn't been interested and once again he ignored my words, insisting that I give him my time. I used the "Im talking to someone/I have a man..." line and it didn't work. As I laid in my bed rubbing my edges to glory I received another notification from him. He sent another photo. This time it was a screenshot of my out of date contact information saved in his phone and from there I had finally had enough. Nice and "polite" wasn't working. It wasn't enough. Either he was mentally delayed or he was just an intrusive, obsessive prick who refused to accept the answer "no". Either way, I was done. So I responded.
I blocked him immediately after I sent my last message.
I don’t have the time or the patience.
I don’t have the time to play coy or be “nice”. And I’m sure someone’s son is reading the screenshots (because y’all always only read half the story). I’m sure someone will call me “stuck up”, “rude” or even go as far as suggesting that im “single” because of my refusal to “settle” for someone just because he was attracted to “me”. Im sure someones daughter will come in full pick me gear, helmet included ready to defend the honor of this “good man”. read this and be like, “Girl you stupid!
But no one will stop ask questions that rally matter. The ones that really need answers. Like:
Why is this man single? The night we met was 4 years ago. If you are such a catch why hasn’t someone seen the value in you? If you are so determined to have a relationship, why arent you in one?
During our initial conversation I was told that he had this huge background in marketing. He said he worked with and was working with some of the larger names in the DFW. Its been 4 years and your most recent photo (which he included the other night in one of his messages) shows you in what looks like a mechanic ls jumper which leads me to believe that you work in a warehouse now. Dont get me wrong, im not knocking a working man. But I need to know how you went from “CEO” with all of these “big buck” projects going on to working in a warehouse. Thats a red flag. You are working backwards and i don’t have the time.
Again, its been 4 years. Why are you still pursuing me? Honestly. That screams DANGER to me. Four years is not a crush. Its not an admiration. Its an obsession. And obsessions birth chaos, drama, and possible abuse. This man has literally kept eyes on me in some form (usually in silence until he pops up like a Jack in a box). He is so silent I didn't even realize he was still on any of my lists. I didn't even know he was following me anywhere. That is C R E E P Y. Period.
If after all this time he is still this dense when it comes to picking up the obvious, how in the world would I ever be able to trust him as a partner to make good, solid decisions? How can I, or could I, ever trust him to protect a household?
No one will stop to wonder or ask how me "giving" someone I am not attracted to nor compatible with a chance could not only mess me up but also do him a disservice. Sure, I could have taken the leap and indulged out of curiosity. I could have pretended to like him. I could have taken one for the team and entertained the idea of him for personal gain. But what exactly what that have done outside of cause unnecessary drama and further complicate things? I knew that I was uninterested. I literally don't have the time. That level of fakery just isn't in my blood and the way my patience is set up it would last long. I'd be doing both myself and him a disservice by "pretending" to be interested because he is a "nice" guy who really likes me.
But he wasn't a "nice guy". He was intrusive. He was pushy. I am sure in "his" mind his determination to "win me over" and continue to uninvitedly pop in and declare his reluctance to "give up" was heroic. To some it may have been. But to me, it was a turn off.
He weaseled his way into my company under the disguise of doing "business", using that as an opportunity to "get to know" more about me. He set out to learn as much about me (per his own admission) in hopes of learning how to "get" me. He tried offering to take me out to show that he "got it like that" but honestly, dude has two or three children so I highly doubt that he truly "had it like that" and as a rule I don't date men with more than one child and that one child no more than 2 years older or two years younger than my own. He offered friendship and support because according to him "he just wanted to help me get to where I wanted to be", which would be fine, if that support wasn't solely reliant on the idea that he and I would be together or have some "thing". That's not friendship. I don't need "conditional" support. You can keep. Not to mention that I fail to see how you can support or offer support to me in my endeavors when from the look of things you haven't been able to offer yourself that same support.
Perhaps at another time in my life, with a different approach and method of pursuit, because who knows what the universe has planned for us.
And now, I don't even have friendship to offer. Not that it was on the table to begin with, but still. We can't be friends. We can't talk. Don't contact me. Don't look at me. If you see me out, pretend like you don't know me.
I'll pass. I'm good, luv. Enjoy.
Owner of Love My Black, LLC + Eighty5OH8 -Award Winning Blogger/Author | Viral Troublemaker | Mother of One | Brand and PR strategist