I Want a Supportive Relationship That Encourages Growth, I Don't Want To Be Your Damn Trophy

I Want a Supportive Relationship That Encourages Growth, I Don't Want To Be Your Damn Trophy

Love can not flourish in the midst of confusion and struggle. Love does NOT pay bills and nothing screws up a good sex life like overdue bills. I can't slob a knob thinking about how I/We are going to pay the light bill next week.

Photo by Alex Holyoake on Unsplash

I find myself wondering if these men realize that there are a plethora of other, primary and more important, daily needs that a woman needs met? You do realize that while we do require/desire mates who are financially sound there are a few more pertinent needs that trump what you bring in money wise [because lets be honest, a lot of millennial women come into a relationship earning more and we know this].

Y'all miss the mark every single time, every single conversation...because y'all don't "listen”. See what I did there?

Most men do not listen or communicate with their women on her level. This may partly be because they don't know how to and most men are taught that "talking" too much is a feminine trait. Men simply don't do that. Every man that I have ended up with and/or dating got my attention by doing ONE thing...and this same one thing also ended up being one of the exact things that made us fall off.

If I am going to be in a relationship, there needs to be some kind of a benefit in it for me. No, this isn't an "I'm independent I can do it all by myself and don't need anybody else" post, but this is a "I've been single for almost 5 years [minus that one time] and I HAVE been doing it by myself, so what will you be doing for me to take the weight of my shoulders?" post.

Love can not flourish in the midst of confusion and struggle. Love does NOT pay bills and nothing screws up a good sex life like overdue bills. I can't slob a knob thinking about how I/We are going to pay the light bill next week.

Eviction scares don't make my nipples jump.

For the better part of 5 years, I have been able to [despite a few setbacks that I successfully bounced back from] financially sustain and maintain a certain lifestyle. I have been able to keep my lights on, feed and clothe my child, pay a pretty insanely hefty rent balance, a car note, amongst other things. It hasn't always been easy, but I made it happen. So, when thinking in terms of "being in a relationship", the person I end up with needs to be able to, in some way, alleviate some of that pressure of always having to be "on". If I still have to work 60+ hours a week on 4 to 6 hours of sleep, come home and do homework, laundry, cook, clean, worry about rent/bills, gotta take time off of work to take my car to get an oil change, gotta leave work early for doctors appointments, etc. What are you here for? What is your purpose? I can do all of these things by myself. I can stress by myself and not have to worry about picking up dirty boxers and empty chip bags on the couch.

I am always tickled when during a conversation centering around "the needs of a woman" the first thing men want to talk about is the "financial and/or monetary" needs and how "these need to be equal”. It’s easy to tell which ones have actually been in a relationship that was not dysfunctional. 

In the words of the great Damita Jo..."What have you done for me lately?”

If I am going to turn in my heauxlodex and become all domestic-like [still can't tell me what to do, tho] I need to know what the perks are and how you plan to keep me from sending myself into an early stroke or deep depression from all the "stress" I am under. I need to know that certain things I just DONT have to worry about or be bothered with. [Seriously, I hate paying rent. Can you pay the damn rent at least?]

Men love to complain about the lack of "femininity" Black women possess but completely ignore the fact that it is YOU and your shenanigans that tend to put us in positions where "femininity" isn't a viable option. You want me to be soft, with rough hands and chipped nails? You want me to look like I just stepped off the cover of a magazine after I just worked 14 hours for the 3rd day in a row? You want to come home and see a gourmet 4 course meal waiting for you and me wrapped in La Perla after I've come home from work and have been chasing a 3 year old around the apartment for 2 hours trying to get them in the bathtub?

That's not how these things work. That's not how any of this works. I believe that if a woman is in a relationship and co-habitating with said man, she should most definitely not be struggling. In fact, there should be no struggle present in the household at all. There is really no reason for it. Getting bills paid should not be an issue. Your fridge should never be empty. There is absolutely no reason why two fully functioning, non-disabled adult human beings should be co-habiting and playing house whilst struggling to make ends meet. Why be in a relationship just to struggle? 

Just be single.

Relationships already come with a crap load of added stress and adjustments. You are working to create a space where two people with differing interests and personalities can co-exist in harmony while attempting to bring forth a new generation. That alone will create tension as you continue to grow, either together or apart. 

That being said, the more I begin to examine my own requirements for relationships I am becoming more of mind that “I” don’t have a desire to be “taken” care of. At least not in the sense where I have absolutely no responsibilities. The trophy wife life sounds great on paper but after a year and a half of being a stay at home mom I was bored out of my mind and was looking for anything to do that would pass the time. I was so desperate for action that I started joining the neighborhood wives of other soldiers in their daily gathering of Drink O Clock. Which basically was just a bunch of drunk house (Army) wives sitting on a designated front lawn with bottles of wine and Vodka talking about how much they hated their shitty, cheating husbands. Yes, it got that bad.

The ideal relationship for me would allow me room to be able to explore my personal dreams and aspirations with no restrictions or without concern for how the rest of the household will maintain whilst I try and pursue my goals. I want a relationship where each person is contributing to the financial, spiritual and economic climate of the house. I can’t simply be still and do nothing. I’m not a professional shopper, I keep my circle small and I hate people (mostly) so being a socialite is out of the question. Although, I did attempt a few years ago. 

Taking care of me is ensuring that “I” have room to move freely and without restriction. Taking care of me is acting as shield and protection from oncoming obstacles and keeping the path clear for me to do my thing. Taking care of me is making sure that “I” win. I am not interested in being a man’s trophy. I am already a trophy. I’m my own trophy. I need someone who is going to be the Alexis Ohanian to my Serena. 


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